I Miss My Friend....

Hard to believe that mom died 20 years ago today. Wow, I miss her so much. She wasn't there when I got engaged (although she seemed to know Mike was 'the one' wayyyy before I did). She wasn't there for our wedding, Alec or Casey's birth. She wasn't there when we decided Mike would get his admin certificate so that I could stay home. She wasn't there when I stayed home.... yet she made all of those decisions with me. Her influence, and personality, shows up in me every day of my life. I look like her, act like her, miss her terribly. I know that God (and my dad) needed her more than I did.... I am able to think like her, without her input. I guess the message was follow your heart, and don't worry about how others react to that. Times I have tried to not listen to my gut, I get burned. So, now I make every effort to follow my heart.

I know that my mother impacted me in so many ways. I am about 100% sure I would not have wanted to be a stay at home mom if she had not passed. I realized how important my 22 years with her were... and how short they were. I remember her listening to me through my teens and through college--yikes, that must have been hard! She was my best friend when she died. I just couldn't believe it. But, I had a life to live. It has only been in the past few years that I even THINK about Christmas before December 12th. It must be something inside that just felt until after the anniversary of her death, it couldn't be Christmas. So many hard Christmas times. When Alec was born I started forcing myself, but finally it comes naturally to actually get ready for Christmas.

I no longer remember the sound of her voice. I no longer remember the taste of her cooking. But, I do remember that she loved me. I do remember that she was always my number one cheerleader and biggest supporter. And, I always remember that she knew (from experience) that it was OK to march to the beat of your own drum. As the youngest of 12 from a small town in Virginia, it was hard to believe that she was the one that left! She moved to Washington DC to go to GW for college.... her father objected so she just had them send him the bill. He paid. She went to Chicago to work for the airlines.... then she became a club director in Japan during the Occupation of Japan. That is where my parents met, and were married, in 1949.

I am an only child, I guess I was a gift. They were married 16 years before I was born, I was appreciated. My mother was a strong woman. It must have been hard in those days to not have a small child. Now it is common to be forty something and have a baby, but not then. I think I did have a different upbringing because of that. But I learned honesty, and integrity, and love from both of my parents.

One thing is for sure though... on December 12th I remember the events of that day in 1987... my first year of teaching.... a million years ago.... and truly, truly, I miss my friend.....