Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Lesson learned....

I love cards that are fast and look good! This was made with Serendipity stamps and Good Times Paper... I also used the Celebrate set for Happy Birthday.

Yesterday was a long and hard day. The main message from the meetings with the therapists was, "Alec is not going to change, you are going to have to learn to embrace him as he is." Of course I know this, but somehow I am not parenting on this basis. I am parenting on the basis of what I believe... I believe that school is important and he should get all of his work done, to the best of his ability. I believe that he should get a punishment for 'choosing' (in my opinion) not to go to school or not to do the homework. I believe that Alec should be able to connect rewards with proper behavior. I believe that he should be able to learn proper behavior. I believe he should be able to learn to shut up sometimes, instead of talking. There are so many things that I believe. But, I need to let them go and realize a few different things....

School might just be more important for me than for Alec. I need him to go to school so that I am not with him 24/7. It is critical to our relationship. Our relationship is more important than his education, no matter how smart he is... Just because he is capable of doing the work, that doesn't mean that he has to do the work and get a good job. It is OK if he wants to end up as a gas station attendant. (OK, I am not sure I will ever get there but I am trying.)

The good news is that his psychologist doesn't think he will live at home forever. (Thank you God). But, anger, frustration, stubbornness, and anxiety will always be at his core... and he will have to deal with them... medication helps, but won't make him 'normal.' Asperger's Syndrome can't be treated. Only the symptoms can be treated. Symptoms are basically that he gets taht he isn't normal, but he can't make himself normal. This makes him frustrated and angry. I think this is so hard because we see glimpses of normal. Those glimpses make me want normal, even believe normal is possible. I even told the psychologist yesterday that I think this would be easier if the problem weren't mental, but physical... in my opinion that would be more noticable. We try to treat him as a normal kid when we see glimpses of normalcy. Within that I have some core belief that if he wanted to be normal, he could be. He is just being difficult. But, you know what. That isn't true.... he isn't 'normal' he is on the autism spectrum. I must deal with him that way. I do love him, so much. I love how great he is with young children and animals. Our relationship is more important than school... and it does not make me a bad parent to not put school first. It makes me a realist. I can live with the reality that our relationship is number one. I want him to feel safe here at home, not anxious and uncomf0rtable. So, for those reasons I pledge to tell him what he needs to do for school, but not force him to do it. I think I can I think I can I think I can...

Thus my post from yesterday.... I need to find Joy in this season, THIS ONE, now. God gave Alec to us for a reason. And God gave us to Alec for a reason. We need to love and SUPPORT unconditionally. Love seems like the easy part, but to him when we push too hard he doesn't feel that love. He needs to feel it. He certainly doesn't feel it at school, so he must feel it at home...even if that means that his school work does not come before that love. So now he is going to school, but that is as far as I am going to push.... I can do this.... my lesson learned.


Diane said...

Wow, Liane. You have learned a lot.
I admire you for trying to let go of somethings. I have issues with Hayley.......sometimes really bad.
I have to learn to let go as well.
Perhaps I will learn from you.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

kbradseth said...

Oh, Liane. This is a hard road you and your family are traveling. I think of the everyday battles I face with my kids and how frustrated I get when my expectations for them don't get met and then I try to put myself in your shoes...Sigh. I don't know how you do all you do. Bless your heart and bless Alec, too.